Anything but that.

Chase,

You were a ten year old, fourth grader when you asked L to be your very first girlfriend. I didn’t really know what to think of that when I got the news, but the thought of “another woman” in my angel son’s life was hard on your momma!

A year and a half of fun and it was over because she moved to a different school. You said, “we never get to see each other” and that you “wanted to be able to see her more than just on Valentine’s Day to exchange gifts.” I’ll hold dear to my heart the memory of you wanting to talk to me before breaking up with her. Thank you for coming to me for advice. Thank you for trusting me. That conversation was everything! The tears on your face and the pain in your quivering voice was almost so much for me, that I second guessed my children EVER having boyfriends/girlfriends again! I had to hold back my tears! The fact that you weren’t upset for the reason you decided to break up with her, but that you were sad because this would make her sad, put your tender heart right out on display. I secretly celebrated having a son that would care so much about another person’s feelings. That is an amazing quality to have! I was so proud.

After your recent “first breakup,” I decided to strike up a conversation about your type of girl and see what would happen. A couple of months had gone by so I figured it wasn’t too tender of a subject to bring up. You’re so cute with an attitude of complete annoyance… Like, “Really Mom? Why do I have to talk to you about this?

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You stole my breakfast.

Brennen,

Today, you stole my breakfast.

I’m sorry I got so mad at you. I’m sorry that it wasn’t even 7AM and you got to start your day with your mother acting like a three year old. I’m sorry I ruined your morning. I’m sorry that I couldn’t control myself and I threw a temper tantrum and fussed at you and slammed the freezer… and the door… and my car door… and then drove like a maniac out of the driveway. I’m sorry I acted that way in front of you… over a smoothie. I’m sorry that you felt it necessary to send me a sweet text apologizing and all I could muster up out of my hissy fit was a snide, “it’s fine.”


I’m sorry that I made you feel like you had done something wrong because you simply grabbed one of the three unmarked smoothies out of the freezer and drank it. You did nothing wrong. I’m so sorry.

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The why.

With a fully intentional attitude, I plan to write here often. I’ve titled this special category “Your Song” because I adore that song by Elton John and think of each of you every single time I hear it.

I plan to tell you my feelings in real time… so that one day, when I’m gone, you will have a place to come back and read my thoughts and feelings, as if I were in front of you, telling you the story myself. This is one of the many ways to show you that you make up my entire heart and soul.

I wish I had thought of this sooner. Oh, how I wish I could write down all of the priceless memories I have inside my heart from the past fifteen years of being your mother. You know what they say…

There’s no better time than the present.

Starting TODAY, I hope to tell the four of you how precious even those tiny details are to me. Details I may forget when I’m old, but that will forever be available to you here.

Brennen, Chase, Avery and Jaxx:

I love you behind my back.

Hang On.

I listen to The Bobby Bones Show every morning on my way to work. It’s a syndicated show on country radio that always has me laughing and/or crying. They do this thing they call #PIMPINJOY and if there’s anything in the world that gets ya in the feels, it’s doing something good for others. He encourages humans to be kind to one another! You can’t get better than that! I’m a loyal listener, for sure.

You’ve probably heard the emerging hit, “Buy Me a Boat,” by Chris Janson, which recently topped the iTunes Country Songs chart. Chris was Bobby’s guest today and after playing the song that just landed him a major record deal, he did an acoustic version of his song “Hang On,” per Bobby’s request. Unable to hear the back story on this song, I wasn’t sure what it was about, but being a self-proclaimed music geek, I instantly listen for the stoutness of a lyric to draw me in.

Did it ever draw me in!

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Repent.

Anonymous repentance. Is it enough?


I recently stumbled onto the Confessionals of “Scary Mommy” http://www.scarymommy.com/confessions/ and I must say that it has become a guilty pleasure, to say the least. I’m not sure if I find solace in knowing that other people have the same thoughts as I do, or if “looking in” on someone else’s problems makes me feel better about myself.

I may or may not have submitted some of my own confessions… you will never know! 225 characters is probably not enough for all I’ve got to say anyway.

I’m not entirely certain that typing your secrets on a popular blog thread for “LIKES” “HUGS” or “ME TOO’s” counts for repentance, however. Or does it? How awesome is it to confess a horrible secret you would absolutely die if anyone ever knew, and see the “ME TOO’s” start firing? Ahhh, sweet relief… I am not alone.

I’d like to share a few of the entries that caught my attention:

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Holy oversensitive readership, Batman!

We’ve all seen it.

We’ve all done it.

Someone steps a bit out of the comfort zone of neutral, bland thoughts and BAM! a firestorm erupts into a full on barrage of D.R.A.M.A. One comment after the other, we’re showing how internet educated we are. Don’t you dare type that to them, though. They will then throw the list of resources they researched right at your computer screen… because we all know none of this is done face-to-face. We can get some pretty big balls behind a keyboard, wouldn’t you agree?

What would you say are the biggest topics of conflict?

Religion… Immunizations… Politics… Parenting…

But that’s what is so fun about social media, right? We get to express our opinions onto others!

Let me share a few of MY opinions and see how fast I can stir the pot.

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Have four kids, they said…

Cheer competition in Branson, Missouri. There’s so many fun and exciting (expensive) things to do there, Mom! Sounds fun, right? Sure. Let’s do it.

Now picture a 4 hour drive with a sickly 14 year old, a farting 11 year old, a comedian 10 year old who is “just joking” about everything, and my 3.5 month old angel baby that absolutely HATES his car seat. Still sound fun? Sure. Let’s do it.

First off, I DO NOT travel well. And by travel, I mean PREPARE to travel. It takes me hours to pack, y’all. HOURS. How fun does making sure 3 kids, myself and an infant, have every little thing we need for a weekend away from home. It ain’t easy. And it sure ain’t fun. I stressssssss the bleep out in situations like these. Just ask my husband! He’s learned to keep a large distance from me when we’re packing… as have my children. And the dog.

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