Written January 4, 2010:
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I took TWO tests just to make sure! I was only 19 years old, and so scared of how much you would change my life.
Little did I know… you would become my life.
I will call you Beanie for the rest of your life… and just so you know, I had to fight for that one! From the second I saw your face, I started calling you Beanie and I don’t know why. No one wanted me to call you that, but I didn’t care. Before long, everyone who knew you, knew you as Beanie.
Some days, I see myself in your every move… your every word… your every little mood swing. Other days, I see the little lady you are growing into so very quickly, and it scares me to death! I recently witnessed you blush because of a boy, and then flirt with him. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I don’t want you to grow up yet…
I remember the little things about spending your first two years at home… watching you, teaching you, just being with you. I remember your first steps and what you were wearing… it was a pink and orange, one-piece, striped, Carter’s outfit. I remember how excited Papa was when I called him to tell him you were walking and how excited he was to buy you your first pair of “walking shoes”. I remember playing peek-a-boo with you around the corner in the hallway, moving you away from me as you slept because you kicked me so much, bathing you and singing, “Washin, washin, washin, washin Beanie’s hair! Washin, washin, washin, washin Beanie’s toes!” You would pay such close attention to see what I was going to scrub next just so you could get the words right! Smart little thing! I remember potty-training you and how easy it was. You were fully potty trained at EIGHTEEN MONTHS! You were SO scared to poop in the “big girl” potty though! Haha… That was another Papa thing… he couldn’t wait to buy you your first big girl panties. He loved you so much Brennen… more than you will ever know in your lifetime. He would be so tickled to see you and your little attitude now. I remember you singing, always singing… always performing… always posing… always smiling. Your beautiful little voice could make me smile at any time of the day or night. I treasure the cd of you singing Break Down Here, by Julie Roberts. You mispronounced so many of the words and you just sang your little heart out. The very best part is at the end when you say into the mic, “Thank you very much, goodnight!” And to see you dance…. Hahaha! You “shake it down” with the best of them, girl!
You are just too cute for words.
As you change and grow, I struggle with the right words to say to comfort you sometimes. You have experienced things in your short little life that I never in a million years wanted you to see, much less live through. You are so strong willed and smart… you are so much like me. I just want you to know that no matter what happens in your life… if it affects you, it affects me. If you hurt, I hurt. If you are happy, I am even happier. If you cry, I cry harder.
You are connected to me. You are my entire heart and soul.
I love you more than you could possibly imagine.